TheChampagneSommelier got inspired by an article by Tom Hewson @ Six Atmospheres. Here’s his reflection on If Champagne Grand Crus Were Celebrities.
Estimated reading time: 10 minutes
Let’s be honest, the wine world, and particularly the little corner of it that fizzes, has an ego problem. We talk about patches of dirt as if they are sacred relics, divinely ordained plots where God himself decided to have a go at viticulture before getting bored and creating man. We whisper their names in hushed, reverential tones: Le Mesnil, Aÿ, Verzenay.
The French, with their particular genius for gilding the lily and then charging you for the gilding, designated 17 of these villages as ‘Grand Cru’ – the 100-pointers, the A-listers, the top of the pyramid.
TheChampagneSommelier
It’s a system based on a century-old grape pricing agreement, which is a bit like deciding the world’s greatest actors based on their 1920s box office receipts. And yet, we cling to it. Because for all its anachronistic absurdity, it hints at a truth. These villages are different. They possess a certain ineffable star quality.
So, in an effort to demystify this pantheon of chalk and snobbery, I’ve decided to translate it into a language the modern world understands: the vacuous, Botoxed, endlessly fascinating world of celebrity. If these fabled villages had to walk a red carpet, who would they be? Grab a glass of something needlessly expensive, and let’s play along.
The Stars of the Montagne de Reims (The Pinot Noir Powerhouses)
Aÿ: George Clooney
Aÿ, the regal heart of Pinot Noir country. It’s powerful, structured, impossibly handsome, and has been at the top of its game since before your grandfather was a twinkle in the milkman’s eye. This is George Clooney. There’s an old-school gravitas here, a classic Hollywood charm that doesn’t need to shout. Aÿ is the villa on Lake Como, the perfectly tailored suit, the effortless cool. It can deliver a powerful, Oscar-worthy performance in a great vintage, full of depth and brooding complexity. But it’s also happy to churn out a crowd-pleasing, ridiculously consistent non-vintage that pays the bills – the Nespresso ad of the Champagne world. It’s a brand, a benchmark, the star against which all others are measured. You might try to resist, but its charm is ultimately, infuriatingly, irresistible.
The Champagne from Aÿ ? Bollinger ‘R.D.’ !
Bouzy: Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson
Oh, Bouzy. The name alone, to the Anglophone ear, suggests a certain lack of subtlety. And it delivers. Bouzy is Pinot Noir on steroids. It’s big, ripe, muscular, and unapologetically powerful. It’s the summer blockbuster, the action hero, the one-man franchise. It is, of course, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. You know precisely what you’re getting with a bottle from Bouzy: a full-bodied, fruit-forward spectacle that fills the palate. Is it nuanced? Is it going to make you ponder the fragile nature of existence? My dear, no. It’s going to burst through the door, flex its biceps, and entertain the hell out of you. It’s The People’s Champ…agne; massively popular, commercially successful, and while the connoisseurs might sniff, they can’t deny its immense, explosive impact.
The Champagne from Bouzy ? André Clouet ‘Un Jour de 1911’ !!
Ambonnay: Idris Elba
Ambonnay is Bouzy’s neighbour, and they share the same powerful Pinot Noir DNA. But where Bouzy is pure muscle, Ambonnay walks with a swagger. It has the same weight and richness, but it carries it with more finesse, a sharper suit, a cooler gaze. This is Idris Elba. Here is a star with genuine heavyweight presence, but it’s the charisma, the underlying complexity, and the sheer style that sets him apart. Ambonnay can be a brooding powerhouse, but it has layers of spice and sophistication. It’s the tough guy who can also spin records in Ibiza, the action hero with soul. It’s that rare and brilliant combination of power and panache.
The Champagne from Ambonnay ? Ugly-Ouriet ‘ Vieilles Vignes Blanc de Noirs’ !
Verzenay: Cillian Murphy
Head to the northern slopes of the Montagne de Reims and the air gets cooler. Here you find Verzenay. The Pinot Noir grown here is different. It’s still powerful, but it’s a leaner, more athletic power. There’s a tension, an almost thrilling austerity to it, a spine of steel. This is Cillian Murphy. It’s not about broad-shouldered, easy charm. It’s about intensity. It’s angular, intellectual, and has a piercing, cool-climate focus. Verzenay doesn’t offer a warm embrace; it offers a compelling, slightly unsettling stare. It’s a wine of structure and nerve, one that might not win the popular vote but earns the undying respect of those who appreciate its taut, complex, and deeply intelligent character.
The Champagne from Verzenay ? Michel Arnould ‘Mémoire des Vinges’ !
Verzy: Lewis Capaldi
Right next door to the intensity of Verzenay is Verzy. It shares the same cool, north-facing disposition but presents itself with a different kind of soul. Verzy is Lewis Capaldi. On the surface, it can seem less immediately imposing than its neighbour, perhaps even disarmingly approachable. But don’t be fooled by the self-deprecating humour. Beneath it all lies a voice of astonishing power and raw, beautiful melancholy. A sip of Verzy is like hearing one of Capaldi’s ballads for the first time; it bypasses the brain and hits you square in the gut with its soulful structure and depth. It’s the Grand Cru that reminds you that true power doesn’t always need to scowl; sometimes it just needs to sing a devastatingly sad song.
The Champagne from Verzy ? Mouzon Leroux ‘L´Ineffable‘ !
The Stars of the Côte des Blancs (The Chardonnay Divas)
Le Mesnil-sûr-Oger: Cate Blanchett
Venture into the Côte des Blancs and you find Le Mesnil. This is not a Champagne for the masses. It is pure Chardonnay, but not the friendly, buttery kind. This is Chardonnay as high art. It is bracing, austere, laser-focused, and almost painfully mineral in its youth. It is, without a shadow of a doubt, Cate Blanchett. Ethereal, avant-garde, breathtakingly intelligent, and completely uninterested in whether you ‘get it’ or not. A young Le Mesnil can be as challenging as one of her more esoteric film roles – all sharp angles and intellectual rigour. You have to wait. Give it a decade or two, and that stark, chalky fierceness transforms into something sublime, complex, and hauntingly beautiful. Like Swinton, Le Mesnil doesn’t pander. It demands your attention and rewards your patience with a performance of pure, unadulterated genius.
The Champagne from Le Mesnil-sûr-Oger ? Pierre Peters ‘Les Chétillonos’ !
Cramant: Scarlett Johansson
Just down the road from the alien chic of Le Mesnil lies Cramant. It’s still 100% Chardonnay, still impossibly elegant, but it’s shed the punishing austerity. Cramant is broader, creamier, more generous. It has a seductive richness, a curvaceous texture that makes it utterly captivating even in its youth. This is Scarlett Johansson. It possesses that same combination of ethereal beauty and grounded, approachable glamour. There’s a richness to the voice, a creamy quality that’s immediately appealing. Cramant is the critically acclaimed indie darling that also happens to be a global superstar. It has the chalky backbone, the undeniable class, but it wraps it in a layer of charm that makes it an immediate, heart-stopping pleasure.
The Champagne from Cramant ? Bonnaire ‘Les Terres de Buissons’ !
Avize: Charlize Theron
Poised between the punishing intellect of Le Mesnil and the voluptuous charm of Cramant sits Avize. This is a village of profound duality. It possesses an aristocratic elegance and a floral grace, yet beneath it lies a coiled power, an intensity that is utterly commanding. Avize is Charlize Theron. One moment, she is the face of Dior, the epitome of untouchable, classic beauty. The next, she is Imperator Furiosa, shaven-headed and radiating a terrifying, visceral power. That is the soul of Avize. It can seduce you with delicate white flowers and citrus poise, then stun you with a palate of dense, mineral-driven force. It’s the beautiful, elegant star who you just know could win in a fight.
The Champagne from Avize ? de Sousa ‘Cuvée des Caudalie Grand Cru’ !
Chouilly: Lady Gaga
At the very northern tip of the Côte des Blancs is Chouilly. For years, it was slightly overlooked, known for its lighter, more floral and overtly pretty style of Chardonnay. You could say it’s the Lady Gaga of the Grand Crus. We were first introduced to the spectacle, the flamboyant, pop-artifice of it all – the meat dress, the telephone hat. A wine of pretty, high-toned citrus and white flowers. Fun, but serious? Then, she sits down at a piano with Tony Bennett and reveals a voice of pure, classic, undeniable talent. That is the secret of Chouilly. You might be seduced by its charming, almost frivolous floral nose, but then the palate reveals a core of serious, Grand Cru structure and finesse. It’s a brilliant reminder to never, ever judge a star—or a Champagne—by its initial, dazzling performance.
The Champagne from Chouilly ? R&L Legras ‘Cuvée St Vincent’ !
So there you have it. The Grand Crus, stripped of their mystique and thrust under the harsh, unflattering glare of the flashbulb. Are they just fermented grape juice from a particularly cold, dreary corner of France? Yes. But like all true stars, they possess that certain… je ne sais quoi. A magical ability to be so much more than the sum of their parts. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Cate Blanchett is getting warm.
